It's Okay to Cry
by Dolphin02
Summary: It's been three years since he died. Misty hadn't cried once. Not at the funeral, not during her speech, not even when they lowered his casket. Not one tear. On the third anniversary of his death, her birthday, her friends think she's done grieving, and makes her to go to a company party. But she's not done grieving. Not even close.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Pokemon. Seriously people. I wish I did, but if I did, I wouldn't be on a fanFICTION website!**

* * *

"Excuse me."

Misty felt like strangling the unfortunate guy, who had been the fifth person who 'accidentally' brushed against her. He didn't know Misty's story. He just thought, 'Oh! A pretty girl! I'll go bother her now!'

When May, Leaf, Dawn, Serena, Zoey, and Marina forced her to come, she thought it was a formal, business party! Not an inappropriate, teenage party!

Party goers were scrambled throughout the large room, red solo cups in one hand, with finger foods in the other.

The women were all dressed in flattering, fancy gowns, showing off their dates' fortune.

Dawn, May, Leaf, and Serena were all invited because their boyfriends all worked at Cynthia and Aaron's company, or their company had been invited. The rest of the girls were friends with the couple, and had been invited.

Well, really, anyone who had any importance was invited.

Misty was the Cerulean Gym Leader, and Marina was her cousin, but also a famed PokeStylist and model. Of course they had been invited. Plus, this was Cynthia and Aaron's birthday gift to her. That was the only reason she had allowed her friends to dress her up in a dress(another birthday gift) and make her come here.

Misty saw lots of important people from her shadowy spot in her corner of the gymnasium.

"Mist! Let me introduce you to Carter! He's Gary's secretary," Leaf swept dramatically towards her hiding friend, who looked ready to bolt.

A young man of perhaps twenty? Was walking next to Leaf, who looked gorgeous in a magenta-colored, floor-length ball gown. Gary was latched to his fiancee in a crisp looking tux.

Long, green hair was held at the nape of Carter's neck in a professional looking ponytail. Green eyes with brown shards stare back at Misty, pinning her with their seriousness.

He was alright. But she didn't like him enough, and Leaf introduced him, so he was off the list, right off the bat.

"Hello Mademoiselle," Carter grasped Misty's sweaty hand tightly, lightly kissing her hand.

"Uh...hello?" Misty said awkwardly, not sure what to do with this one.

"Would you like to get a drink with me later this week?"

Straight to the point this one was. Straight to the point.

"No thanks. I don't drink."

"Then we can go get non-alcoholic drinks."

"No thanks. I'm not really looking for a significant other."

He turned to shoot an accusing look at Leaf, who gave him an apologetic look.

"Alright. Have a good birthday, Mademoiselle. Goodbye Mr. Oak. Ms. Green." The three of them watched him glide away, his ponytail swinging.

"Misty!" As soon as Carter was out of earshot, Leaf pounced on her.

"Leaf!" Misty whined back, giving Leaf a sarcastic look.

Leaf nudged Misty with a sigh. "What? I'm just helping. You said yourself that you're kinda lonely and is looking for a boyfriend. I'm just helping. You can't reject everyone. Plus he's nice! He's had crush on you every since I put up a picture of us girls! You're twenty four now! You should have just..." Leaf droned on and on, "..married by now!"

Yeah. The only reason she said that was because her friends had inferred it already, so she might as well satisfy their needs to be correct.

"I'm not rejecting everyone! I just don't want you guys to dominate my love life, and plus, I didn't' ask for you guys to shove every decent guy in my face!" Misty shot back, scowling. "And I don't need to be married."

Marina quickly joined the conversation, pulling along Jimmy, her date and her long-time crush, who finally after a couple years, admitted that he liked her back.

"Mist! How's the party going? Find anyone worthy yet? Oh, that guy with the blue hair and pink eyes looks fine, or…" Marina didn't even get to finish before Misty started moving again.

She knelt to the ground, stripped off the heels Dawn forced her into, and quickly ran out of there, out into the large garden outside. Leaf and Marina's voices echoed behind her as they converse about what was wrong. Their boyfriends sighed simultaneously, and shaking their heads at their obliviousness.

"It's already been three years…"

"Get over…"

"There are other…"

"I thought the party might make her happier…this day….especially..."

The clear, double doors opened automatically as the pitter-patter of Misty's feet carry her out onto the lawn.

A bright flash of light shone through the darkness. A Pokeball clicked shut.

"Oh Corsola."

Misty held her pink Pokemon tightly, her eyes welling up with tears.

The garden was alight with little fairy-like lights dangling from the treetops. The gorgeous plants, flowers, and berries shone and glistened in the courtyard.

Misty walked barefoot to the stone bench with Grass Pokemon carvings on it, and sits, dropping her heels carelessly onto the ground.

"Corsola…" Corsola nuzzled into Misty's dress, comforting her trainer.

"I miss Togepi. I miss my friends before they all got boyfriends. I miss how things used to be. I miss my sisters. Thought I'd never say that, but I do. They've been gone on their tour much too long. I miss battling with worthy trainers. I miss just having fun. I miss Ash. It's never like this anymore. I feel like I'm never free to be me anymore. It's all about finding a spouse, getting a good job, having powerful Pokemon. But I just want my friends back for a day. Be Misty for a day. Not worry about anything but being the true me. Be allowed to be sad. To remember him. But I'm just supposed to get over him. That's all they care about."

A couple tears fell from her face.

"But I can't be the true me. Not without Ash beside me," Misty was rambling in a hoarse voice, the fat tears running down her face for the first time in years.

The boyish grin, and warm chocolate eyes flashed behind Misty's eyelids as she nearly whimpered in sadness.

"Why'd he have to go, Corsola? If he had just damn stayed, that night. Instead of driving home...oh," Misty's voice was thick with tears as she remembered the one person that cracked her heart in two.

"Ash...I would have been okay with you in a house with my sisters. They may be pretty, and I might have been jealous of them, but I trusted you!"

Misty stood up, her vision blurring. Somehow, she stumbled to her car, Corsola in one arm, keys and her heels in the other.

She yanked open her car door, dropping her heels onto the passenger seat, and started the car. Corsola hopped off her lap onto the seat next to the heels.

Even with her eyes tearing up, and bone-racking sobs shuddering through her, she managed to keep her hair out of her face and drive legally to the Cerulean City Graveyard.

She parked clumsily, nearly running into the car next to her, sobbing the entire way. "Ash...Oh God...I miss you so much...it hurts Ash! Why does it hurt so much?"

She grabbed items from her car. Her purse. Her keys. A dark blue jacket. A lock of hair. A picture. A flashlight. Matches.

The keys to the graveyard jingled on her key chain as she fumbles for it, desperate to be close to Ash as her tears fell, eyes red and welled up with precious tears that she hadn't dared shed before.

When she finally found them, she shoved them into the lock noisily, the world white, black, and gray around her.

The night air was cold and unforgiving as she tripped over her own feet in her haste to get to his grave. The crisp, fall wind reminded her of that night.

* * *

" _Mist. They're gonna be home soon. I should go," Ash's eyes glinted mischievously, but his voice was dead serious._

" _Stay. Please Ash," Misty's voice was nothing but a whisper as she perched on the edge of the bed, ready to go after him, as he pulled his arms through his jacket._

 _Ash sighed, giving Misty his best, 'I'm guilty, but I'm gonna hold out' look. "Look, Mist, I don't think it'd be good if they came back to the Gym, and found me here. I have to go home. I'm just across town. I'll call you when I get there."_

" _Ash! There's a fucking blizzard out there! I don't know how, but in November, there's a huge blizzard! I'm not letting you go out there!"_

" _You have to Mist. My mom is expecting me. Cynthia wanted to have a video chat too. Trust me. I'll be fine. Here, take this. Happy birthday," Ash gently pushed the heart-shaped pin into her hand. "It shimmers mist over everything when you shine light onto it. Happy birthday Mist. I love you."_

 _So with one last kiss, Ash brushed his bangs out of his eyes, twirled his keys, and left the Cerulean City Gym._

 _Misty pressed up against the cold window, in nothing but a thin nightgown, barefoot, and shivering. She was still staring outside at his headlights had been long after they got lost in the swirling and wild snowflakes._

 _She had a really bad feeling, that Ash, should not have left._

* * *

"Corsola!" Corsola let out an alarmed shriek as Misty pitched forward. Corsola's voice drew her out of the memory, bringing her back to the graveyard, back to the cold, dark, night. Misty backpedaled hurriedly, trying to get her balance back.

Misty succeeded, and was running towards his grave in the back, once again.

When she reached it, her body halted automatically and she finally pulled out the crystal, heart-shaped pin holding her hair back.

It shimmered in the dim light of the moon, glittering, spraying a rainbow-colored mist over his grave, even in the darkened light of the moon.

The pin had remained in her hair for the past three years. He gave it to her on her birthday. Today. His death date. Her twenty first birthday.

Today, she turned twenty four. And Ash has been dead for exactly three years.

A choked gasp escaped Misty as she crumbled next to his grave. His stone was cold, and flat against the ground, the engraving facing the ground. Misty couldn't bare to let the words show to strangers. She couldn't. They didn't deserve it. None of the sad fans of Champion Ash, deserved it. So the gravestone lay face down, so only Ash would see them.

She flipped the headstone over, still crying painful hiccups into the night.

 _Loving son, friend, and Champion..._

 _Ashton Ketchum_

 _June 12th, 1993- November 12th, 2015_

Misty ran her fingers over them, one hand clutching the pin, as hard as she can, the other, ghosting over the smooth obsidian. The same color as his hair.

The pin dug into Misty's hand, pricking it and a tiny bit of blood on her hand glistened.

* * *

 _Misty finally crawled back into her large, soft, but still somehow cold, bed after looking out the window for around half an hour._

 _Daisy, Lily, and Violet had come home already, their hushed voices echoing throughout the near-empty Gym._

 _Misty placed the pin neatly into her hair, holding it back, even though she had let it down from her usual side ponytail._

 _She reached over and flicked on the old-fashioned radio sitting next to her bed, on a small table with a lamp._

" _ **...(static)...this is quite the blizzard here in Cerulean ain't it Nate? But I feel like everyone might only be trapped until the morning."**_

" _ **Yeah, Drake. If you're out in this temperature, driving, biking, walking, or anything of the sort, I'd say you're in bad luck!"**_

" _ **Hm. I agree with that. Oh, looks like we have another traffic update."**_

" _ **Yessiree. Hm. We have two accidents. One on the east side of the city. It involves four cars. Yes, the road is completely blocked off. No one is dead. All drivers and passengers were only mildly injured. The one on Starmie Avenue...oooo. That one's bad. Arceus that one's bad."**_

" _ **Yes Nate, it's really bad. A drunk driver lost control of his car and T-boned an unfortunate, young sir as he was crossing the Starmie Avenue and Staryu Street intersection. The report says that he died on impact. Apparently the man's face was so destroyed, they're not sure who it is. Hmm."**_

" _ **They're calling for anyone who knows a young man that went out into the city driving a blue Subaru with black hair and Pikachu. Both died on impact. Mew that's a lot of blood."**_

 _Her arm shot out and shut the radio off._

 _NO! It can't be!_

 _Misty's blood ran cold, her mind started reeling, like broken record._

 _She's read about this. This shock, this confusion. She never really knew what those phrases meant._

 _Blood ran cold. Mind started reeling._

 _But she felt them now. Her body was slack, ice crawling through her veins, fear muddling everything in her head. She couldn't sort out her thoughts. Blue Subaru, black hair and a Pikachu?_

 _No, no, no, no, no._

 _It can't be Ash. Misty loves him. It can't be him. It just can't. Impossible. He said he would call her. He promised! He promised that he would be okay!_

 _Even though her mind was telling her not to worry, he's okay, and at home, her body's moving, changing, grabbing her purse and keys, running out the door towards the garage._

 _Without a glance toward her sisters, she was out the door and starting her car; she needed to know if it's Ash or not!_

 _She drove fast, but not wildly. She had enough sense to know that wouldn't help her._

 _She almost ran a red light as the impatience caught up with her._

 _BEEP!_

 _The honk cut through her haze of misery as she started driving again, desperate._

 ** _Starmie Avenue and Staryu Street. Starmie Avenue and Staryu Street._ _Just get there, and Ash will be okay. Ash will be okay if you get to Starmie Avenue and Staryu Street._**

 _Misty chanted in her head, focusing all her energy and the steering wheel and gas pedal._

 _Finally...finally. She got to the intersection. Misty saw the wreckage, blocked off road, and red and blue lights before really hyperventilating._

" _Mew. This is real. Arceus help me. Oh Mew," Misty muttered as she leaped out of her car towards the blocked off intersection._

" _Ma'am! You have to get out of the way!" A police officer yelled as his Pyroar paces in front of him._

" _I might be able to identify him. The guy who died. I heard on the radio. Can I look?" Misty was surprised at how calm her own voice was, calm and soothing._

" _Gym Leader Misty! Of course miss! It would be rather unfortunate if you do know the young man." The officer ran a hand through his scraggly beard. "It's pretty nasty though. Might have nightmares."_

" _That's okay," Misty said, eager to see if it was indeed Ash._

 _When she stepped over the tape and saw the wreckage for herself, she felt like puking. The ambulance had already left with the drunk driver, who had survived impact._

 _The two cars were so crushed together, you couldn't tell where which one began and where the other ended. Shattered metal and glass littered the ruined road. Tire marks left long gashes on the gray street. The end of the blue Subaru was shoved into a nearby brick wall, denting it. The red convertible had been wrenched open to get to the driver inside._

 _There was a small, yellow body they're still trying to extract from the blue Subaru._

 _A limp body was laying on a stretcher, being prepared to be taken away. Messy black hair was crusted with blood, his face was splattered with it, ripped open and gaping. His cheeks were torn open and she could still see the mashed up teeth and gums inside. His legs were twisted so far back, they couldn't be normal. Oh...yep. There was the glint of bone there. One of his arms were twisted out of it's socket, but that wasn't the worst part. The criss-crossing lines of blood, with the yellow and purple colored bruises made it so much worse. Even with all the blood, she could see a large, grotesque black eye on his face, large bumps on his head. Eww. She didn't want to see this._

 _Misty could see that the man had once been handsome. Very handsome._

 _A face that she would recognize anywhere. No matter what._

 _Ash._

 _Her nightmare was coming true. Right now._

 _She saw the limp yellow body inside the wrecked car, and knew it was true._

 _Pikachu was really gone._

 _And so was Ash._

* * *

As this memory ran it's course, Misty was hugging the dirty, grimy gravestone to her bosom, chest heaving with sobs, tears marring her face. She was crying so loud, the neighbors(who live half a mile away), probably could hear her.

She was screaming and yelling, hitting the gravestone again and again with her bloody fists. Because she knew he was gone. He was gone forever. And Misty will _never_ find a spouse, or someone to love. Because they won't be Ash. Ash probably would want her to find someone. But they're not Ash. They're not Ash.

"FUCK YOU ASH! WHY DIDN'T YOU FOR ARCEUS'S SAKE, STAY!? YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN SAFE! I LOVE YOU! BUT YOU UP AND LEFT! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU BASTARD! ASSHOLE! YOU JUST HAD TO DIE! DIDN'T YOU?! WAS EVERYTHING NOT ENOUGH!? YOU HAD TO DIE?! You had to leave me in this horrible world...by myself...even Yveltal isn't that cruel. Oh...ASH! YOU HAD TO DIE?! Why? Arceus? Why did it have to be him?!"

And after crying for hours in the dark, her dress torn and tattered, with no one but Corsola next her, she finally fished out her phone.

The moon was well past moon high, showing Misty that it was well into the night.

* * *

She pressed the number 1 for speed dial, her sobs quieter and more subdued.

His voice.

 _Hey, so this is Ash. If you are listening to this, you have reached me, and uh...I'm probably eating, or training, or even just hanging around and lost my phone. I do that a lot. So...yeah. And if your some Champion related guy, sorry this isn't all official sounding. Sorry about that. Oh! And if your Misty, I swear I didn't do it on purpose! I swear! I probably just lost it or something! It was most likely not my fault! I swear! Sorry! Don't kill me!...Well, I think that's all. Right Pikachu?_ *swat* _**Pika pika!** Oww! Hey! What was that for? I'll call you back if I have time! Pikachu, say hi! _**_Pikachu!_** *swat* _Oww! Hey, not the head! Hey!..._

* * *

His physical being.

Her hand ran over the soft lock of black hair, still crying.

" _Here. Take this. If I ever leave. Or if something happens. A little bit of me."_

 _Ash smiled at Misty warmly, slicing off a lock of hair, right by his ear. Where Misty liked running her hand through the most._

 _"But Ash! Now I can't run my hand through it!" Misty protested._

 _"Oh, sheesh, it'll grow back."_

 _Ash grinned impishly at her._

* * *

His smell.

Misty presses the jacket to her cold nose, hiccuping as she inhaled the sharp, yet gentle, chocolaty, piney smell of him.

" _Keep it. It smells like me. Keep it. Looks good on you," Ash shoved the jacket back into her arms._

" _Really?" Misty asked, astonished. "Yes. Really," Ash smiled laughingly at Misty's incredulous expression._

" _But this is your favorite one!"_

" _Yeah, so keep it. In memory of me."_

 _"Wow. Real mature sounding Ash."_

 _"Hey! I am mature!"_

 _"Pika pika."_

 _"See! Even Pikachu agrees. You ain't mature."_

* * *

His look.

Shaking, bloody, torn hands reach over to pluck the flashlight and glossy picture up.

" _Smile!" Misty snapped the picture abruptly, catching Ash's surprised but hilariously crazy smile._

 _The camera light flashed brightly, and Pikachu poked his head into the picture, completing it._

 _"Love you!" Ash shouted at the camera switching poses. "Pika pika!" Pikachu held up a peace sign, smiling and looking cute._

 _"Hey! That was supposed to be a surprise picture, not a photo shoot!" Misty giggled as she snapped a picture of the new scene._

* * *

Looked like Ash almost knew that he would die. Because he kept giving her things. Kept giving things for her to hold on to. But there was one thing he couldn't give her. One sensory precipitation that he couldn't hand her.

Misty would never taste him again. Never kiss him again. Never hold him close and bury her head into his chest.

He was gone.

And then Misty's sobs started to die out.

He was gone. But it was nature's fault. And Misty would remember Ash forever. She had to stop blaming herself. She had to let go. She could grieve, remember Ash's memory, remember his life, but she had to let go.

She was sniffling again and reached for the last item she brought. The matches.

Misty placed the jacket, picture, and hair on top of each other, on the gravestone. Then she lit them on fire. This was how she would let go. She would burn the very temptation to hold on to him.

She watched as the embers flickered, and danced, ashes drifting off into the wind.

"Bye Ash. I still love you. I'll still remember you forever. I still love you. But I'm letting you go."

Misty knelt in front of the gravestone, a mini fire burning on top. And she just cried, and cried her pain into the night. Until tears stopped coming and all she could do was heave dry sobs.

She told herself that it's okay to cry. It's normal. It's _right_ to cry. She should cry. It would be okay.

And that was how May found her during the first rays of the rising sun. Tattered, bloody, tear-stained, and so, so, tired. But satisfied. She gave her tribute to Ash.

She cried. Misty Waterflower, had finally stopped being so strong, stopped holding back the grief and tears, stopped holding it in.

She cried so much, it made up for the blankness of the past three years. And though it hurt, Misty knew everything would be okay. And Ash at least, didn't have to deal with this cruel world any longer. He was safe. He didn't have to hurt anymore. He didn't have to be in pain, in the pain of existing in this horrid world. No, he was safe. So it was okay to let go of him. It was okay, to cry.

And Misty would be okay then.

* * *

 **AN: I was just feeling really sad today, and decided to write a sad story. Making you sad too, is really the goal of this. Well...not make you cry, as in being mean...but...you get my drift. It's supposed to make you sad.**

 **I made it so that crying, was Misty's version of weakness, and letting go. But she didn't want to be weak or let go. She thought she had to be strong, and hold Ash's memory close.**

 **I already posted an ikarishipping fanfic. So this is my first pokeshipping fic.**

 **Please review!** **Tell me if you cried or not. Constructive criticism is welcome.**


End file.
